I won't be watching Pete Rose's new reality show, not because I don't like Pete or because I'm way too sophisticated for reality television, but because the show simply doesn't interest me.  Much like how I struggle as a sports-talk host by pretending to care about the World Cup every four years, I have a hard time pretending that Hits and Mrs. is interesting to me in the least.

But I know it matters to you.  And because what matters to you is important to me, I've decided to devote a weekly blog post to Pete's new show by having someone else review and recap it for you.  After throwing this out there on Twitter, the first response came from Megan McConnell, who will be reviewing the show every week for us.  Reach her on Twitter by going here, and enjoy her initial review....

First things first: as referenced last week, here is a copy of Pete Rose's inspirational speech to the kids at his baseball camp. If anyone is a Little League coach, please try this out.

"Baseball's fun. If you don't have fun, please don't come back tomorrow. Just stay home and stay in bed. I watch these guys today-
some of them, you think they're going to the electric chair, the way they play. And I know they're not going to the electric chair because they [mumble] the prisons. You know, mentally depression is when you have 4,001 bills, and you only make 2,000. That's pressure- not playing baseball."

"Play the game in your mind when you're playing the game- one out, two out, two strikes, one ball, three balls- and you can't get
embarrassed. I've seen players: it's too hot; it's too cold; the wind's blowing too much; I don't like AstroTurf. Well bring your own
field! You know, if you overheat today, that means you're really busting your chops. I'll personally take you to the hospital."

The 10 year olds were very motivated.

On to this week's shows...

For Pete's Sake


This is the episode where the family travels to Cooperstown. It's high on advocating for Pete's admission to the Hall of Fame and low on plot. Here are the highlights.

Because the editors of this show mistakenly think we are invested in watching these people decide what to wear (aside from Pete- I would love to watch him debate between his various fedoras and self-referential shirts), the episode opens with Kiana and her kids struggling to figure out what to pack for their summer vacation. Pete has his own concerns while preparing for the trip: a fear of using an airplane toilet to "go number two" (his words). Apparently, Kiana had just the medication to help. We learn via confessional that he took it the night before the flight, and it resulted in many trips to the bathroom. Pete's description of the night: "I'm not just the Hit King. Last night, I was the [Bleep] King." Off camera, producers start laughing, Pete cracks up and questions if that can even make it on TLC. Apparently it can.

Pete, Kiana, and her kids arrive in Cooperstown, and the large amount of blurred jerseys and faces in the background for the rest of the episode make me question if my LASIK has worn off.  The family stays in an apartment above the sports shop where Pete signs autographs. Outside the shop, the cameras manage to hunt down a few people that want to be on a cable reality show enough that they emphatically state their positions on whether Pete should be in the Hall. A man calls him a cheater. A women says he abused his celebrity, which makes me wonder if she knows he's suspended. Another man thinks he deserves a second chance. Shockingly enough, no one produces an argument you haven't heard 1,000 times before.

Kiana and the kids head over to the Hall of Fame, while Pete hangs back to work (i.e. sign autographs and pose for pictures). Carrie, the teenage daughter, questions if the Hall will be like the Titanic museum except for baseball. Pete assures her yes. Once they make it to the Hall, Kiana tears up while looking at her fiancé's memorabilia. She questions why baseball will display his jersey, his bat, and photographs of him, but won't let him have a plaque. She decides that she needs to convince him to approach Bud Selig to reevaluate his suspension.

Outside the sports shop where Pete's signing autographs, Kiana recruits Larry Christianson to help her convince Pete to approach the commissioner. There's a brief flash of Dave Parker standing in the shop, but apparently his consent to be part of this show ended there since he doesn't say a word. Larry tells Pete that he went to the commissioner and told him to reinstate Pete, and that Pete should do the same. Pete seems somewhat resigned to his fate. In what I suppose is an attempt to change the subject from all this serious talk, Pete tells Larry about Kiana's plan to have her breast enhancement reversed. Larry agrees with Pete that it's a horrible idea. He also takes the logical next step of suggesting that she instead have a third breast added to her back.

That night at dinner, one of Kiana's kids awkwardly asks Pete why he's not in the Hall of Fame because obviously this conversation would never have come up in the past. He explains to them that he got suspended because "I bet on my own team to win. Every night I bet on my own team to win." He says that sometimes you make mistakes, he made big ones, and now he's living with the consequences. He ends his fatherly wisdom with "Don't gamble. Don't gamble with money. Don't gamble with your life."
 
As usual, the show ends with Pete sitting in the bleachers, fiddling with a baseball. This time, he answers a producer's question about whether he's thought about his Hall of Fame induction speech. He says that it would be two parts. The first part would be apologizing to everyone, and the second part would be thanking everyone. Also as usual, this ending scene is my favorite part.
 
Creature of Habit
 
In last night's second episode, we're treated to a glimpse into Pete's life in Vegas, and I learn that I have way more in common with 71-year old retired baseball legend than I ever would have thought.
 
The show opens with Pete describing his usual routine. "I'm a creature of habit. I get up, drink my coffee, watch the news, go to work, come home, and watch more TV. Thank god. Whoever invented TV- I love that guy." Amen, Pete. I'm right there with you.
 
We then switch to Kiana discussing her wardrobe and breasts, as usual. This time, she's gearing up to head to Vegas for a calendar photo shoot, and is bemoaning the fact that her body isn't one-size-fits all, and apparently calendar-photo-shoot clothing is. She again talks about her desire to have her boob job reversed, and Pete again voices his displeasure at the suggestion, asking how she would feel if he had 20% of his penis cut off.
 
Since Pete works Monday through Friday in Vegas and Kiana's photo shoot is in Vegas, they gather the kids and make a road trip out of it. The trip leads Kiana to question what they're going to do when they're married. She doesn't like the idea of them being apart during the week. Pete, on the other hand, believes that a relationship is healthier when you're apart for awhile. It gives you a chance to miss the other person. He also reminds us that as a professional baseball player, he was on the road a lot of the time, and he can't really imagine being around another person 7 days a week.
 
Upon their arrival in Vegas, we are treated to several shots of Pete's condo two blocks off the strip. Seriously, guys I knew in college had cleaner living conditions than Pete Rose. He keeps his clean clothes hanging in the living room. He keeps his dirty clothes in a pile behind the recliner. There's a group of his amazing hats in the dining room. Kiana's disgusted, the kids are confused, and I wonder why we had to wait until halfway through the season to get this glimpse into Pete's life. Kiana then goes on to describe what it's like to visit Pete in Vegas by sharing this nugget: Pete eats naked while wearing cowboy boots! She tells the camera it's weird to look at, and Pete responds, "Then don't look." Pete then shares that he always ate naked wearing nothing but cowboy boots in the Reds clubhouse, and that's just how things were. Do with that information what you will. I don't even know where to begin.
 
While they're all in Vegas, Kiana decides that they should do some house shopping. Pete is hesitant since his current commute to work is two minutes, and the houses they're looking at are out in the suburbs. The real estate agent tries to sell him that the commute is fifteen minutes, to which Pete asks him where the helipad is. The agent looks confused, and Pete tells him that the only way that commute is 15 minutes is by helicopter, and he has no intention of spending an hour a day driving two and from work. Again, amen, Pete.
 
While driving to another house, Kiana starts complaining that Pete eats Subway for dinner everyday. She questions if he can really like it that much. He matter-of-factly tells her that they have chicken salad sandwiches, meatball sandwiches, turkey sandwiches, and salads, and that if he didn't like it, he wouldn't eat it everyday. Kiana cannot accept this explanation and continues pressing him about his love of Subway, when Carrie, the teenage daughter, bursts out from the backseat, "Just get over it, Mom. He likes Subway. He eats Subway." It was one of the first genuine moments from Kiana's kids on this series, and it was great. I'm sure that Subway appreciated the free publicity. Hopefully Pete will be their newest celebrity spokesman.
 
Pete then heads off to his job of signing memorabilia. He gives appropriate shout outs to the employees at the Mandalay Bay shop he's "worked" at for years. He explains that he likes his job because (1) it's lucrative, and (2) he gets to talk baseball all day. I appreciate the honesty.
 
After putting in a hard day's work, he heads over to observe Kiana's photo shoot. She's bothered by how big her chest is, but Pete helpfully points out that the tops at least cover her areolas. He also helps position the baseball she's holding while wearing a zebra-striped referee outfit. It may have been more helpful to point out that baseball umpires wear blue, but I suppose that wasn't the point.
 
At the end of the episode, Kiana apparently talks to her kids for the first time about moving to Las Vegas to be with Pete full time after the marriage. Again, this seems like a conversation that should have already happened and happened off-camera, but I'm not a reality show star, so I guess I just don't get it. Ashton, the ten year old, sits quietly as usual, but Carrie, the teenager, appropriately erupts in a way that only a teenage girl can. First, she questions how she can possibly be expected to survive the Las Vegas weather. Next, she shows that she can think of others and questions how Ashton's skin can handle it. She then makes the point that her friends and family are in L.A., and she doesn't want to have to travel back and forth to see her dad. Finally, she points out the window and ends with, "Look at Nevada. Look how boring that is."
 
Pete decides that he's ready for everyone to live in one house as a family, but he doesn't want to make Kiana's kids do anything that they don't want to. Kiana has to think about what's best for them, and if that's continuing to live apart, so be it.
 
Overall, this was by far the best episode of the series. The glimpse into Pete's actual life is what has been missing throughout. Fingers crossed next week's final two episodes continue the trend.