I won't be watching Pete Rose's new reality show, not because I don't like Pete or because I'm way too sophisticated for reality television, but because the show simply doesn't interest me.  Much like how I struggle as a sports-talk host by pretending to care about the World Cup every four years, I have a hard time pretending that Hits and Mrs. is interesting to me in the least.

But I know it matters to you.  And because what matters to you is important to me, I've decided to devote a weekly blog post to Pete's new show by having someone else review and recap it for you.  After throwing this out there on Twitter, the first response came from Megan McConnell, who will be reviewing the show every week for us.  Reach her on Twitter by going here, and enjoy her initial review....

Pete Rose's reality show Hits and Mrs. technically debuts tonight. However, for those of you that are 100% on board with reality TV, the fact that there was a sneak peek of the Pete Rose reality show last night should come as no surprise. For those of you that operate in the more respectable world, consider this your heads up: cable reality TV operates in a different universe than the network TV world in which you probably operate. If, by some extremely unexpected twist of fate, something amazing happens on this show, you'll have a minimum of 7 times to watch it on TLC before resorting to YouTube. In the event that it doesn't, you have me to update you. In the future, new episodes of the show will air at 10:00 and 10:30 on Monday nights.

In case you're wondering what qualifies me for the highly contested and super prestigious job of recapping a reality show on a local sports station's web site, I'll give you a brief rundown of my credentials:

1. I've yet to meet a trashy reality show that I cannot get 100% behind. The Bachelor/Bachelorette are right up there with MTV's The Challenge in my own personal Hall of Fame, but I sadly don't draw line there. I'm of the age that Laguna Beach and The Hills were Must See TV, and I can get sucked into pretty much any marathon on Bravo. I'm currently in a fantasy league for The Bachelor, and I'll happily devote the same amount of time (okay more) to dissecting The Bachelor or The Challenge as I would to an NFL game. Judge away.

2. I frickin' love Cincinnati, especially the Reds. I'm one of those annoying people you probably know who can rattle off a Cincinnati fun-fact for any situation. I haven't missed an Opening Day since I was 18 years old and able to make decisions regarding education vs. sporting events for myself. I was there for the last game at Riverfront and the first game at Great American. I watched Riverfront get imploded on Christmas break standing next to my dad on Newport on the Levee. I was there the day Pete Rose broke the hit record according to the "I Was There" certificate and photograph of me on my parents' laps that currently occupy prime real estate on my living room bookshelf.
 
3. Combining (1) and (2), a reality show with Cincinnati ties is something that I just cannot look away from. I can recite story lines from Taking the Stage for you, and I embarrassingly DVRed Police Women of Cincinnati. I watched Clash of the Choirs, and stuck around through all three seasons of The Sing-Off. (If the preceding two sentences mean nothing to you, consider yourself classier than me.) I also voluntarily voted for Chad Ochocinco on Dancing with the Stars. Multiple times. That I would watch Pete Rose's foray into reality TV was a given. That I'd bring you all along was a pleasant surprise. Thank/blame Mo for the promise of a few beverages.
 
Episode One: The Family Hustle
 
Pete Rose: Hits and Mrs. devotes the majority of its first episode to introducing us to its cast of characters. Basically, there's Pete Rose. You know his story, so I won't bother summarizing here. I will let you know that he has a penchant for fedoras with a feather tucked into the band and dress shirts with "Hit King" embroidered on the collar. He tries too hard to be funny during his confessionals, but I find him endearing when he sits on bleachers talking about baseball.
 
There's Pete's fiancee Kiana Kim. Kiana knows that people may view her as a gold-digger due to the obvious age difference between her and Pete, but she assures us that is not the case. She has a college degree, owns her own house, and is a "business woman." She describes herself as a business woman in the voiceover that accompanies the opening credits, so it must be true, but she never does explain what type of business she engages in. I suspect it involves living off the money she made in her Playboy days and forcing her children to appear on a cable reality show to further her "brand."
 
Kiana's daughter is Cassie. Cassie's 14, about to start high school, and like most 14-year olds, spends the majority of her time with her nose in her iPhone. Kiana's son, Ashton, is 11. Ashton would much rather play video games than be outside or appear on this show. I'll keep my snark about the kids to a minimum because they're kids and obviously not the ones who decided to subject themselves to this scrutiny, unlike Kiana and Pete.
 
During the required baseball scene of the episode, the family goes to the batting cages, and Kiana and Pete discuss their upcoming engagement party. Through a confessional, we learn that Pete proposed to Kiana at a Mexican restaurant over fajitas, and he assures us that it was a classy Mexican place. Back at the batting cages, Kiana talks about how important family is to her and how much it would mean for all of their family members to be at the engagement party she has been toiling away at planning. Seriously, this scene served no purpose other than to awkwardly insert baseball into the episode, something that I sincerely hope continues over the course of this series.
 
In the next scene, Pete and Kiana are getting ready to go to dinner with her parents. While Kiana is getting dressed, she reveals to Pete that her parents are unaware that her chest has been surgically enhanced. Apparently her parents are blind or have not seen their daughter in the last several years. It's important to Kiana that her dad not find out about her surgery, because I suppose that's what would make him disappointed in her life choices. She searches through her closet for a loose-fitting shirt while reiterating to Pete the importance of keeping the secret. Obviously this all occurs while the cameras from the reality show that's going to air on national television record from 3 feet away.
 
The rest of the episode was about as uneventful as one would expect. Pete, Kiana, Carrie, and Ashton went to dinner with Kiana's parents. Pete rocked a blue and white Hit King collared shirt. Carrie played on her phone. Ashton looked like he would rather be anywhere than sitting at that table. Kiana got her parents to agree to to come to the engagement party. On the evening of the engagement party, we were again treated to Kiana deciding what to wear. This time, however, she doesn't seem to care what her father thinks about her figure as she debates between two tight dresses. They go to the party, Pete wears another Hit King collared shirt. His family doesn't show (I assume because they're adults and know better than to appear on a reality show), and Kiana's does. Some friends appear, they make a toast, and everyone deems the night a rousing success.
 
Episode Two: There's No Crying in Baseball
 
During the introductory scenes of the second episode of what I'm sure will end up being award-winning television, we were treated to a flash of Pete wearing CincyShirts' "Everyday I'm Hustling" t-shirt. While this scene ultimately didn't come until the end of the episode, I was obviously pumped.
 
Episode two is largely about Pete, the father figure, which means that Kiana's poor kids are thrust into the spotlight. It's time for our baseball Scene of the Week, and Pete heads out to coach at the Pete Rose baseball camp. Pete explains via voiceover that he doesn't see any reason to coach kids differently than adults. He then gives a motivational speech that is so impressive, I wish I could quote it word for word. Alas, it's not online yet, and I'm writing this from a friend's couch, so perhaps it will have to be an adendum posted later in the week. Poor Ashton is dragged along so he can learn to play sports and experience being outdoors. He doesn't want to be there, and stands next to Pete rather than participate in the fielding drills. When his mom and sister come to check in on the camp, he ultimately breaks down and cries. Kiana eventually convinces him to give it another go, Pete talks about what good hand-eye coordination he has, and I feel bad that this poor 11-year old had his first baseball practice recorded to be watched and mocked by the members of his junior high class.
 
In an attempt to find another non-video game activity for Ashton, Kiana and Pete take him to try out kickboxing. I always thought that kickboxing was a cardio workout for girls at the gym, but apparently it's also something that a mother and future step-father can take a kid to an otherwise empty gym to try out. Pete dons some pads, Kiana pretends to be a ring girl, Ashton throws a few punches, and everyone lives happily ever after.
 
In an attempt to be a father figure to Cassie, Pete agrees to help chaperone her back-to-school pool party. A group of teenagers show up to splash each other in the backyard pool and try to get on television. Pete sits back on the pool deck rocking the above mentioned t-shirt and questions some of the boys about their futures. Not surprisingly, the 14-year old boys don't have much direction in life. The entire scene is about as interesting as you would expect an eighth grader's pool party to be.
 
Eventually, Kiana grows concerned that one boy who claims to want to be a Marine is showing too much attention to her daughter and awkwardly asks Pete to talk to Cassie about boys. The exchange is so contrived that I'd be willing to bet it was filmed after the fact to provide some exposititon for the next scene. Pete goes into Cassie's room. She manages to look away from her phone long enough to seem surprised that he's asking her about her personal life. She informs him that she doesn't even have Marine-boy's phone number, and adequatly feigns shock by bulging her eyes when Pete mentions buying a gun before she starts dating.
 
Just when I had checked out of the show, Pete ends by sitting on some bleachers, fumbling with a baseball, talking about how much he idolized his father and the impact that his dad had on his baseball career, and my cold little heart melts.
 
Next week: the family heads to Cooperstown, and I'll be writing the recap from my own couch with access to my DVR rather than from memory. Maybe I'll even get some screengrabs. Until then...